Day: July 24, 2019

Even after 20 years, my two daughters and I still make many adjustments to our desires, preferences and expectations for family gatherings, especially during the Holidays. Divorced after 18 years of marriage, the family separation has left us coping with layers of losses. All of the family traditions are altered. The Holidays are still the most poignant and difficult for us.

The way the Holidays are celebrated with my children now cannot match the deeply embedded social customs they learned since their infancy, which were passed on to me since my infancy and so on and so forth. We have had to adjust to a new reality, and so have their dad and their grandparents – like it or not.

It’s not the way it “should” be, though. There is “no place like home” for the Holidays. (Which home? MY home, of course!) We are supposed to relax and enjoy time off from work and spend it with our family. We should be enjoying good conversation and food. My kids “should” be with me on the Holidays…especially on Christmas. These “shoulds” were causing me and them a great deal of pressure, frustration disappointment and resentment.

One of us has remarried since the divorce. The new step-parent has children and traditions, too, and s/he wants their children and step-kids to get to know one another. The kids don’t want to leave the unmarried parent alone on Christmas. What to do?

My grown children also have mates now. So, their significant others also have families and their own traditions to blend. One son-in-law’s parents were divorced, too, and one has remarried and lives in another state. Add aging grandparents – not just the original sets, but including the step-parents’ parents and you have the modern family dilemma.

My children have to make choices between loved ones which I never had to deal with. The “shoulds”, whether spoken aloud or inferred, often cause them to feel pressured, guilty, ashamed, anxious and angry. I want them to with me, of course. Christmas is not the same without them. And, their father feels the same way, of course.

The traditional nuclear family Christmas Eve at church and Christmas morning breakfast and gift exchange are no longer possible. Celebrating with the entire extended family for Christmas dinner at Grandma’s is out, too.

The family is so extended that we cannot please everyone. The kids try to see and accommodate two sets of parents (or more). They don’t want to disappoint anyone, but they cannot be in two (three, four) places at one time. It’s very stressful for them when they have to travel from place to place all day or day after day. It’s hard to really relax and enjoy being “together”.

So, I made a decision. I asked myself if I needed to change? YES. I DECIDED. What was important to me was seeing my kids for a block of time to enjoy one another and celebrate our blessings. It did not matter so much if it was on THE Day. What we had for dinner and where we had it was not as important as having joy when and wherever we were gathered.

Joy is what I decided to share with them. They are my joy. The season is my joy.

I decided to find other joys in the season for myself -baking, going on a short trip, inviting friends for hoiday coffee and dessert, reading a favorite book in front of the fireplace, …etc.

Some of our traditions are not so much ‘joyful’ as they are unexamined expectations and habits. I thought it over and decided that rituals mean little unless they open our hearts.

As Charles Swindoll said in Attitude:
“I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it”. Amen.

 

Why is it that when a woman says one thing her spouse hears something completely different? That is a theme of conversations frequently overheard in offices, restaurants, waiting rooms, salons and long checkout lines among colleagues, friends and even new acquaintances. Why does it seem so hard to communicate with the opposite sex?

This is not unique to one gender, however. It is well known to most of us that males often sympathize with one another, warning grooms-to-be, newly dating teens and fellow husbands that communication with females is a mystery of legendary proportions and fraught with hazardous misunderstandings.

“I’ve asked him a hundred times to call if he’s going to be late. What is so hard to understand about that? What do I have to say?”

“Why does she have to make such a big deal out of it? I just forgot! And, I keep on hearing about it.”

Both genders often appear confounded by the seemingly coded language and inexplicable reactions of their partners.

Why do we seem to speak different languages? Many books have been written offering a number of theories and explanations. John Gray has written several books addressing gender communication. Perhaps the most wellknown and widely quoted is Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail has thoroughly researched the topic in the past decade.

With all the bright and experienced minds in this world, it would seem that we could get definitive answers. Of course, we do have answers. So what is the problem? Why do we have so many misunderstandings and disappointments in our communication with our mates if we have the answers? Is it that we don’t like the answers? Maybe. Is it that we don’t understand the answers? Probably.

We think we understand but we understand through gender filters. Gender filters?

We interpret our mate’s communications (words, body language and meanings) through our own experience and goals. Of course, you say, how else could we respond? Well, as humans, we have the ability to empathize, to imagine and put ourselves in another person’s shoes. What do we do if we meet someone from another culture and we want to understand and be understood? We would probably want to consider what is important to that person so we would not offend or insult them. We would ask questions and clarify to make sure we understood one another.

Why would we do less with our spouses (partners)?

Ask yourself, when men communicate with women, what is the purpose or goal of that communication? And vice versa? What do we mean when we say we want to communicate? What we really mean, way down deep, is we want to feel good about ourselves. Both genders want that. We want to love and be loved, feel appreciated, recognized, honored, respected and supported. Our mutual goal is to achieve self-esteem.

We certainly do go about it in different ways! And that is the point. According to Dr. Deborah Tannen, in You Just Don’t Understand, our goal determines what we focus on. Which gender is most likely to want to feel emotionally connected? Listened to? Which gender is most likely to want to impart information and establish leadership? Or to fix a problem? Let’s look at our values. Although both genders have the same primary values, notice the order in which we pursue them:

A man’s priorities are to:

1. Achieve status (read this as independence).
2. Avoid failure.
3. Avoid isolation.
4. Achieve involvement.

A woman’s priorities are to:

1. Achieve involvement (read this as connectedness).
2. Avoid isolation.
3. Achieve status.
4. Avoid failure.

As you can see, we prioritize our pathways to self-esteem in order of importance to us. Men and women prioritize in different order because we need to feel good about ourselves. Our approach to achieving self-esteem is determined by many differing environmental and biological factors.

For example, when a man asks for directions, it’s like admitting that he has to depend on someone else to succeed. Status means giving directions, not taking them. When a woman asks for directions, she is sharing with another human being and connecting.

Think about this: just because you consider “their” priorities as misguided, silly or inconsequential, does that make it so? No, they are just different.You want your spouse to consider what is important to you and to respect your point of view. You want him to do the little things that show he has thought about you and cares about your feelings. Now stop and ask yourself, “am I doing that for him”? Do you? Are you doing what you want him to do or expect him to do? We have to consciously think about what makes our spouse feel valued and cared about. It probably isn’t the same thing that makes you feel cared about. It’s hard to remember that he really is different.

Listed below are a few of the real differences between the genders. Remember, these differences do not apply to everyone in every way, but they apply to most of us. Did you know …

1. Due to a difference in the size of the corpus collosum (the part of the brain between the right and left hemispheres), the genders have biological reasons for different approaches. Women can more easily use both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, thereby having the ability to be logical even when emotional. Men tend to use only one side at a time, for either logical thinking or for feeling. Asking men to focus on their feelings may preclude logic temporarily and bring you more than you bargained for.
2. Boy and girl infants are treated differently by both parents.Both mom and dad speak in louder voices to boys, caress and coo at girls more, show greater facial disapproval to girls’ anger, and use more aggressive physical play with boys.
3. Boys who cry or act fearful are often severely humiliated (“don’t cry”, or “don’t be a sissy”) while girls who are more physical (“tomboys”) are more readily accepted.
4. Boys develop visual-spatial-logical and problem-solving skills sooner than girls and tend to talk about things and activities, while girls develop talking-reading-vocabulary and interpersonal skills sooner than boys and tend to talk about people, feelings and developing friendships.
5. Typically, boys are not taught skills relating to intimacy and emotions while girls are carefully taught to focus primarily on these.
6. There are physiological differences between men and women in response to stressors, especially conflict. The world of emotions seems to be more physically arousing to males, with an uncomfortable rush of adrenaline causing heart rate and blood pressure levels to elevate more quickly and taking longer to recover compared to their female counterparts. It may take more intense levels of conflict to create the same level of discomfort in females.
7. Males tend to stay upset longer following a conflict, their thoughts focusing on any negative words that were spoken, especially any criticisms or put-downs. Since they are more biologically reactive as well, they are more likely to withdraw to protect themselves.
8. Men must achieve goals independently to feel good about themselves, to feel power, competence and accomplishment. Women tend to share with others through their feelings and the quality of relationships to feel good about themselves.

Ahhh, yes – “couple”ship! Defining the state of our togetherness or our separateness from one another is of universal interest.. “Are you married?” is what people soon inquire after meeting a new person. Most of us have been half of a couple at least once. Those relationships lasting a year or more may be considered long-term. We may assume that long-term means that it’s a fulfilling and successful love story.

However, as many couples know, this assumption is not necessarily true. It may mean instead that you endure together despite significant difficulties and disappointments. If you struggle with a pattern of frustration over communication glitches or wishing you had more intimacy, it may be time to get some help.

• Your relationship is more Kramer v. Kramer instead of Love Story.
• You haven’t secretly planned a surprise for your sweetheart since the year …uh…19???
• You can’t remember initiating something your partner enjoys … unconditionally…with no strings (expectations) attached.
• You would be afraid to know what grade your partner would give the marriage. (A+, ..C-,…F?)